“Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub…lub dub…” I hear this sound all the time. It makes me feel secure, it helps me stay calm, and it is the sound that wakes me up and helps me fall asleep. That’s the sound of my existence, and that’s the sound of your heartbeat, mumma.
All this soft, warm, squishy feeling that is cushioning my fragile little body, keeping me safe while I float in the fluids of your womb makes me feel really safe and content. I can taste the food you eat on my tongue already. Sometimes, the food is sweet, sometimes pungent, and sometimes simply intense, maybe that’s what you call spicy. You seem to love spicy. But I love sweets, mumma. I hope you eat more sweets so that I can taste it again and again.
There is another sound that soothes me – it’s the sound of your voice. It vibrates in my skin. Every time you talk, I can feel it in my whole body. When you laugh, I can feel it, and it’s the best sound. I want to bounce up and down when you laugh. I wish you laughed more often.
I can even hear the songs and music you listen to. It feels nice – the rhythm, the familiarity of the repeated tunes, the calmness it brings to you – I can feel all of it.
Yes, I can feel your emotions too. I feel sad when you feel sad, I feel happy when you are happy and I get angry when you are angry. We are so connected, not only through this cord running from my belly but also through our feelings and other senses. I feel you all the time.
But one thing I don’t feel as much as you do is the thought of the day when I will finally meet you. You may feel immense pain like you have never experienced before or will ever experience again unless I get a brother or a sister. But mumma, don’t you worry. I don’t feel that pain. All I feel is pressure. Like all the walls are closing in on me. Like I am being pushed from all the directions. Your little one will not suffer when you suffer – I don’t want you to worry about that, my mumma.
But yes, it might be uncomfortable for me to come out of your warm and soft womb because the air outside is cold and the surroundings won’t protect me from all sides the way your womb does.
Now I am here, out in this world, but there is too much noise. Too many loud voices I don’t recognize. But mumma, don’t feel bad when I cry. I don’t cry because I am in pain. When all the fluid leaves my body and air fills my lungs, I feel so much pressure that crying is one way I can release the pressure from within me. Crying is the only way I can express all the different things I suddenly feel.
“Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub…” – That sound of your heartbeat, that’s the only sound I am familiar with in this universe. And when you hold me close to your body and whisper sweet things to me, the familiarity grows because I can recognise your warmth and voice, those are the only things I have been feeling for so long. I know you feel tired and yet you try to make me feel better. You make sure that I get all the nutrients. You are the only thing I know, mumma. The only one who will keep me safe.
When you touch my cheek to guide me towards your chest, I can already smell my food. It is the scent that makes me recognize you; it is the scent of you – the scent of home. And it tastes sweet, just the way I like it.
You smell sweet and feel soft and warm. You also talk to me. That’s the only sound I can hear, for now, I can’t hear if you speak softly. It’s your loud voice that entertains me. When you smile at me, your eyes are filled with love. I smile too, but I don’t understand the emotion behind my smile yet. But I do understand one thing, that when I smile, you smile more. And I love to see that look on your face, so I smile again.
You always look into my eyes when you feed me. I can’t look away from your eyes while I am being fed. It’s mesmerising. I look at your dark hair, your pale skin, and your dark eyebrows. Do you know, I can only see black and white right now? So your face has so much white and black that it’s fascinating to watch.
You take some oil into your hands and massage my tiny little body – chest, hands, back, and feet. You want me to become strong like you. And one day I will because you take care of me so well. I love it when you bathe me after massaging me. You put me in this little tub and let me play with the warm water and enjoy. It’s so much fun. After that, you dress me in soft clothes and cover me in a warm blanket and softly sing to me while rocking me. I sleep peacefully while listening to your sound.
When you rock me from side to side to relax me, it makes me remember the warm, squishy and soft fluids I used to float in when I was in your tummy. I see you dancing and singing when you try to feed me solid food, but I like sweet things and not this paste stuff you try to feed me. That’s why I spit it out as soon as you feed me. But I like to see you dance, so I might eat some so that you would dance more for me.
You make faces at me, you show your pink tongue out of your mouth at me. Looking at you, I take my tongue out too. That makes you smile so big that I do it again. I like to touch your hair, I like to touch daddy’s cheek too. I like to touch the dangling things you wear in your ears but mumma please don’t shout at me if I put anything in my mouth.
You put your hands around me and press me to your chest, that is when I feel the best. You do it every day. I love it so much. When I see you sitting far away, I make my way towards you, pull myself up holding on to you, and try to put my little hands around your legs. Do you like that, mumma?
You play peek-a-boo with me trying to make me think that you have gone because I can’t see you, but then you move that piece of cloth with a flick and reward me with a smile. I feel so happy when I see you again.
But it’s worse when I see you run off and then I don’t see you anywhere. I feel like you are gone and I move as fast as I can to look for you. I look behind the chairs, sofa, and curtains but I don’t see you. And then I see you looking at me from a room, and I hurry towards you. The feeling of finding you waiting for me is really beautiful – it makes me smile, it makes me bounce up and down.
I love you, mumma. Please be with me always.
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