Do I Actually Do What I Want To Do Anymore?

Picking up pebbles, counting leaves, wearing my favourite dress to a party I like,  eating what I want to, certainly when I want to are few things I miss not doing anymore. Life has become looking for an APPROPRIATE choice rather than a favourite one. I don’t remember doing my own thing in the longest of times. It’s always what I SHOULD do. Yes, ladies and gentlemen this is me, an urban house wife. Welcome to my world of juggling and going crazy everyday to be what I should be. My life is putting up with continuous expectations from a wife, mother and a daughter in law.

15 years have passed in a flash it seems. Its been a roller coaster with 2 children and a house full of people whom I love. I have always been an independent girl. But I fell in love with this extremely charming childhood friend whom I couldn’t resist and voila! Here I was, amidst the hustle bustle of a big family. As years passed I didn’t even realise and I had forgone my preferences and likes. It wasn’t long before I underwent an extreme change in personality. An aggressive, flamboyant girl was replaced by a humble, docile and adjusting woman. As I look back there are smiles all the way, but I can’t recall one thing I did because I wanted to. There were vacations, gifts and celebrations which were at all times decided by my husband or family. Of course I enjoyed every bit and am thankful to god to give me such a happy space. But it wasn’t how I had wanted it to be. No one ever asked, no one ever took opinion.It was taken for granted. Recently, when I mentioned it to my husband he snapped back at me with ” what more do you want? You have the best of everything? “. I really wanted to take forward the argument by asking him, who decides what’s best for me? Who would know better than me what was best for me..Even if it was irrelevant for my husband? Did I really matter? Were my choices in life wrong? Am I wrong in complaining so many years later?

Life is all about choices. There is no future. Present is all we have. The choices we make determine the life we live. Should we not have a fundamental right to choose just like 7 others in our constitution. I wish we had. Life is easier with a legal stamp on a statement. Sometimes, I wonder why it is so ironical that the things I love are often demeaned by my husband. Moreover, he leaves no occasion to mention it amongst friends and family. His boast often belittles me in every possible way. I feel suppressed and choked.

Gradually, I stopped mentioning my choices even in the pettiest fields of life like food, movie or outing.In fact, I have forgotten all together to make choices. I get uncomfortable if I am repeatedly asked to do so. I avoid situations where I am asked to choose for the fear of mockery. What have I now become? Let me not portray myself as a miserable woman. I am just devoid of certain things that I would rather have. There may be women who don’t even realise they are deprived of their choices. The amalgamation of adjustment and throwing away preference is so seamless that it doesn’t even strike, sometimes never. But believe me, I could give away my precious things if I was promised acknowledgement of the things I want to do.

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