130 Hilarious Husband Wife Jokes That You Will Surely Enjoy

130 Hilarious Husband Wife Jokes That You Will Surely Enjoy
Playing jokes, making silly fights between each other, cool beings without hurting the other’s feelings will always be great memorable moments in every married couple’s life. So, intimate and funny marriage jokes or valentine jokes can spice up your relationship and make you laugh every day.

Most Funniest Husband Wife Jokes

Let’s look at the below list of husband-wife comedy jokes and enjoy them with your beloved partner. 

Husband Wife Romantic Jokes 

These husband-wife love jokes are sure to keep the mood romantic and fun.

1. Wife to husband: “I’m pregnant!”

Husband: “You’re kidding me!” 

2. Nothing says I love you like divorce papers.

3. Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.

4. Then, at that point, I realized that He’s been searching for an expiry date.

5. I am the boss of the house. My wife is just a decision-maker. 

6. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.

7. Wife regrets staying with the man she killed. 

8. Here’s to our wives and girlfriends; may they never meet. 

9. When are feminists bad? A: After one marries your sister!

10. I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

11. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

12. It’s a sin to love another’s wife and a punishment to love yours.

13. I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland, and he invades me.

14. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

15. Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?

Wife: The table was too heavy.

16. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

17. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

18. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.

19. May you never leave your marriage alive.

20. It’s uncomfortable when the neighbor’s kids look like you.

21. What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

22. A wife can enjoy anything until it’s not my salary.

23. Middle age 

24. My Wife renewed me for another season.

25. The most dangerous food is the wedding cake.

Husband Wife Fight Jokes 

1. My wife is a light eater; she starts to eat as soon as it’s light out.

2. My wife hired a fact-checker for when we argue.

3. How can you tell if a woman is divorced?

She’s bungee jumping for joy.

4. I was married to a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

5. Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.

6. Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended.

7. It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to, and he couldn’t.

8. Hovering between wife and death. 

9. Of all the home remedies, a good wife is the best.

10. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

11. My wife let me remove all her clothes last night. From the dryer. 

12. I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.

13. I was so cold the other day; I almost got married.

14. Married life in a nutshell:  Anything you say or do may be used against you!

15. Make love, not war, and If you want both, get married.

16. I know no one who is happily married except my husband.

17. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

18. Make love, not war, and If you want both, get married.

19. I bought my hubby a “get better soon” card. He is not sick; I think he can be better.

20. All men are idiots, and I married their king.

21. Husband: I need space!

Wife: Join NASA.

22. When a marriage goes out the door, love comes in innuendo!

23. My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.

24. Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. 

25. My wife and I share a sense of humor. We have to. She doesn’t have one.

Newly Wed Husband Wife Jokes 

Newlywed couples often enjoy the most intimate times of their married lives. So, these new husband-wife jokes will keep you laughing and make each others’ company more fun:

1. My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

2. My wife gives me sound advice: 99% sound and 1% advice.

3. My spouse’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

4. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She embraced me.

5. One easy step to losing an argument with a wife is — Arguing.

6. Terrorism strikes no fear in my heart. I have been married for years.

7. Arguing with your husband is fun. Even if he wins, he loses.

8. Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!

9. Don’t marry a man to reform him – that’s what reform schools are for.

10. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

11. Nothing says “home” like the arms of my husband.

12. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

13. If love is “grand,” what is divorce?

A: A hundred grand or more.

14. I felt incomplete until I married you. Now I’m finished.

15. She asked me what was on Television. I replied, “Dust.”

16. Husband: I have cheated once

Wife: me too.

Husband: 1st of April…

Wife: 18th of June.

17. Wife: I’m pregnant.

Me: Hi, Pregnant; I’m Dad.

Wife: No, you’re not.

18. Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion. 

19. A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

20. All girls are devils, but my wifé is the quèén of them.

21. A married man’s best asset is; His ‘Lie-Ability’!

22. The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much!

23. Full form of wife

W-without I-information F-fight E-everytime.

24. My wife is on a fruit diet, and her favorite fruit is; NaashPati!

25. If you want to know about mistakes, you should ask your wife!

Husband Wife Anniversary Jokes 

Anniversary jokes are in a league of their own, and they become more brutal and funny the more anniversaries you spend together. here are some of the best ones:

1. What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under his arm? A newlywed.

2. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 

3. Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

4. The bride looks stunning, and the groom looks stunned.

5. My wife donates money to the homeless, and I donate for the topless. 

6. Today’s wedding is a love match, pure and simple. She’s pure, and he’s simple.

7. Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.

8. An attentive wife is the best hearing aid for a man. 

9. Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

10. Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages.

11. My wife says I never listen; or something like that.

12. Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

13. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

14. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.

15. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.

16. I’m not a yes man to my wife—when she says no, I say no.

17. Why did the moth stick to the bride’s face? Because she was glowing.

18. I walked up the aisle and said, ‘I do.’ And I’ve been doing it ever since.

19. I used to have a speech impediment. But we got divorced. 

20. Live each day as if it were your last—and each night, it was your first!

21. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

22. Marriage isn’t for everybody—men, for instance!

23. All men are not fools; there are still some bachelors.

24. My first wife, I’ll never forget her, and I have tried.

25. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Other Funny Husband Wife Jokes 

1. A wise man once said, “I don’t know. ask my wife.”

2. My wife says I’m too competitive. I told her I already knew that.

3. Why did you go to Egypt for your honeymoon? To make the wife a mummy.

4. Recipe for honeymoon salad: Lettuce alone without dressing.

5.   The deer couple held an event to celebrate five years of deer-votion.

6. The physicist gifted his wife joule-ry on their anniversary.

7. When a wife was asked for her anniversary, What book do you like the best?

She answers My husband’s chequebook.

8. My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine. 

9. Wife: “I look fat. Can you compliment me?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

10. What food diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 69%?

Wedding Cake!

11. Wife: a former sweetheart. 

12. If you want to get your wife’s attention, look comfortable!

13. My wife was fitted with a coil. She used to pick up CB signals.

14. I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is; Scaring men is easy.

15. I like cuddling with a butterball turkey. 

16. How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

17. You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

18. My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

19. Never get on one knee for a girl who won’t get on two for you.

20. My wife asked me earlier: “Are you even listening to me?”. This is a really weird way to start a conversation!

21. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

22. Success is something that always comes faster to the man your wife almost married.

23. My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

24. Marriage is the main reason for divorce.

25. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

26. You should argue with your wife only when she’s not around.

27. The perfect husband keeps his mouth shut and his chequebook open!

28. The ideal marriage is between a deaf man and a blind woman.

29. Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

 A: Marry it.

30. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. 

Let these jokes keep the fun alive and make the bond strong.

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