How to Deal with an Alcoholic Spouse – 10 Helpful Tips

Living with an alcoholic is difficult, to say the least. Most often partners of alcoholics are unaware of how to manage their spouse or their relationship with them. It leads to emotional and physical abuse coupled with financial difficulties, broken relationships and other addictive disorders. There are many ways to minimise the effects while trying to help the alcoholic to get over their addiction.

Effects of Living With an Alcoholic Spouse

Living with an alcoholic spouse is challenging for both men and women. The challenges may vary depending on the individual circumstances, but there are commonalities found by studies. For instance, one such study involved 30 women who were married to alcoholics. Their interviews focused on the problems they faced and their coping mechanisms. Here are the common problems they found:

• Living in constant anxiety about their current state of affairs and the future
• Feeling frustrated often
• Venting out the frustration on their children
• Ignoring the needs of their children
• Feeling mentally disturbed or depressed
• Difficulty sleeping
• Paying less attention to their own health
• Spending less time socialising or avoiding social situations
• Feeling embarrassed or ashamed around others
• Having financial difficulties
• Being threatened by their spouse
• Experience violence and physical harm
• Suicidal thoughts

Ways to Cope with an Alcoholic Spouse

Since everybody’s situation is unique and several factors contribute to what drives loved ones into alcoholism, there is no universal method to treat all. There are however general guidelines that work well in all cases that can help those in need to cope as they ride it out.

1. Do Not Blame Yourself

Alcoholics often blame others or circumstances as the reason why they drink. Since you’re the closest person, you are most likely to get the blame for it. Some are good enough to convince their spouse that they are the problem, therefore whenever your alcoholic partner blames you for everything, don’t believe it. Problems are common with everyone, but not all end up becoming alcoholics because alcoholism is an addiction. It’s also highly likely that your alcoholic spouse feels bad about their addiction and find any excuse for it. This only serves to shift the blame and make themselves feel better.

2. Do Not Cover for It

Many alcoholics have a difficulty admitting they have a problem because of the stigma associated with the condition. It’s natural then if you feel embarrassed about your spouse and your situation. But hiding it won’t do any good if anything it contributes to denial. Unlike others who perform poorly at their jobs, some ‘high functioning alcoholics’, can seem to do better on the surface. They’d foster a belief that their drinking isn’t an addiction (which is part of denial), while their life, in general, is in a downward spiral and women end up wondering how to deal with an alcoholic husband in denial. Therefore do not hide their reality from the outside world.

3. Do Not Try to Control or Cure it

Alcoholism is a disease, and it’s difficult even for family members to try to manage it. You may try to force your spouse to stop by throwing away their bottles, hiding it or punishing them for drinking. These punishments or negative incentives won’t stop them from drinking. Worse, it might make them feel humiliated, lonely, frustrated, resentful and angry. It strains your relationship further and adds another reason to drink. Attempting to detoxify your spouse on their own should never be done as the withdrawal effects of alcohol can be dangerous and it should only be done in a medical setting. The best you can do is persuade them to get help.

4. Do Not Tolerate Inadmissible Behaviour

People can do random and violent things while under the influence and have no control over it. However, it is not an excuse for your spouse to behave unacceptably with you. You have to make it clear that abusive behaviour is not acceptable while being sober or while drunk. Unless you’re firm about it, it’ll get progressively worse.

5. Do Not Enable Drinking

This comes across as counter-intuitive, but many people unknowingly enable their spouse’s alcohol addiction. Here are some instances:

• Denying the problem can happen on both ends. If you do not acknowledge or talk about your partner’s drinking problem, it is denial on your side. You may also be doing it to accept the behaviour to avoid confrontation. This way you would tacitly approve it.

• Hiding the problem from others. When you cover for your spouse, you become an accomplice in their perspective. This will also come across as approval.

• Giving them a hand. Buying alcohol for them or having drinks with them constitutes approval. Trying to fix their mess is also approval as you take away their chance to own their mistakes.

6. Prioritise Self-Care

It’s easy to forget yourself while trying to fix your broken relationship and family with an alcohol addict. If you are not careful, their alcoholism can take over your life. Understand that the desire to change must come from within the alcoholic and there is not much you can do about it. What is under your control, however, is your well being. Maintain a positive relationship with your children, close friends and relatives. Treat yourself to things you regularly enjoy to get a break from the chaos at home.

7. Join a Support Group for Spouses of Alcoholics

Whether you’re a woman seeking support or a man looking for help on how to deal with an alcoholic wife, a support group of people who face difficulties similar to yours can help a lot. Sharing your struggles with these people can lighten your burden without feeling embarrasses while their stories can give you unique perspectives on your situation.

8. Live in the Present

Looking back into the past, spending hours lost in memories of the wonderful person you married can turn into a real distraction from your responsibilities at the moment. Although your old memories are comforting, they offer no real value. Instead, focus on the present moment and the problems at hand, so your suffering in the future is reduced.

9. Be Patient

Addictions take time to break and with alcoholism unless the root cause that leads to it is taken care of, there’s not much that can be done. Help your spouse to help themselves, gentle nudges towards considering professional help is a better approach than coercion and shaming them for their addiction. Support your spouse in their long and difficult journey towards recovery.

10. Know When to Leave

The final option you might want to consider is to leave your spouse when things are out of control and the hope for a future is bleak. You could consider the final step if:

• Your spouse is physically and emotionally abusive
• Refuses to seek treatment
• Your mental and physical health has started to deteriorate
• There are legal and financial burdens incurred by your spouse that you cannot bear
• The relationship is broken beyond repair

Living with an alcoholic partner can be difficult. There are immediate problems that need to be addressed such as stress, violence and well being of children, but it’s possible to recover by seeking therapy.

Also Read:

Tips on Dealing with Depressed Spouse
Effective Ways for Dealing with Money Problems in Marriage
Myths to be Ignored for a Happier Marriage

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