After innumerable single lines when I finally found the second one, I had to ask my husband to double-check. I had kind of accepted my fate of not being a mom ever. This belief was to the extent that I had even stopped daydreaming about it. It was impossible for me to imagine a scenario with a child in the picture. After multiple heartbreaks and several crying sessions, all I did was exhausting all my options so that I could decide on the alternate lifestyle.
I had seen my friends, colleagues, cousins, even the younger ones getting pregnant. Although I used to be happy for them, it made me long for a child all the more. I used to get all kind of attention from all kinds of people, genuine and fake ones. The attention came in the forms of sympathy, suggestions, and a ton of recommendations. Suddenly everybody seemed to know someone who used to be in my situation and now they know the best doctor/baba/totka for “santaan prapti“. I even had some people tell me that all this is somehow my own fault. I kept going and tried IUI, too, for two cycles with zero results.
I don’t remember what broke me and when, but after a while, I just gave up the hope entirely. I started to think on the lines of why I need to continue to work when we can live off my husband’s salary comfortably, why I should keep saving, why I should not take more vacations, etc. After all, I had no one to leave an inheritance to. Whatever I was doing at that stage was to avoid any kind of domestic disputes.
I also started my IVF procedure. Although I had zero expectations from it, I stuck strictly to the treatment suggested by the OB/GYN. I took injections on time, had my medicines regularly without missing a single dose and kept myself happy. All of this to avoid any kind of disputes. So naturally, when the day arrived to test, I did it with zero hopes, and to my disbelief, I could see both the lines. But, I still doubted that it may have been a false positive and went for the blood test. Only after the test confirmed my pregnancy did I believe it.
The journey after that is a story in itself, which I will write about some other time. Today, I am a mother to a handsome little guy, and I can’t comprehend how I ever lived without him.
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