Although a joyous occasion, pregnancy can be a bit stressful and nerve-wracking. What better way to calm the nerves than to listen to some light jokes about pregnancy? Between the swollen ankles and morning sickness, jokes can be a respite from all that your spouse is going through. Jokes about being pregnant are a great way to help your spouse feel a bit at ease.
Funniest Jokes About Pregnancy
In case you’re looking to lighten your spouse’s mood and make her feel a bit better, here are some great maternity jokes that will help you in times of need
- I used to work on an assembly line that made pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit. Why?
Ans: I got tired of labor manuals!
- Is there any reason for me to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Ans: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
- What position should the baby be in while in the ninth month of pregnancy?
Ans: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder!
- My childbirth instructor said it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Ans: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current!
- I’m pregnant. I asked my husband to place the Oreos where I couldn’t reach them.?
Ans: He put them on the floor.
- Do I need to have a baby shower?
Ans: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly!
- What is the oddest stage of pregnancy?
Ans: When people aren’t sure whether to congratulate you or buy you a gym membership.
- What is considered the best time to get an epidural?
Ans: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
- The more my pregnancy advances, the more often I notice strangers smile at me. Why?
Ans: It is because you are fatter than they are.
- I’m 20 weeks pregnant. When will my baby move?
Ans: With any luck, right after he graduates college.
- Should I have a baby after 35?
Ans: No, 35 children are quite enough.
- How is a pregnant woman similar to a toddler?
Ans: She outgrows her clothes every week!
- How to ensure your baby is a Shrek fan?
Ans: Play All-Star by Smashmouth all day, every day while your wife slowly goes crazy.
- Our baby was born last week. When will my wife start to feel and act normal again?
Ans: When the kids are in college.
- Am I more likely to get pregnant when my husband wears boxers or briefs?
Ans: You’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
- How many days in a month?
Ans: Each month has an average of 30-31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 742.
17. What hurts even more than childbirth?
Ans: Having to sing “Wheels on the Bus” 20,000 times a day.
18. Me: I’d like to name our son James. Wife: Why?
Ans: *9 months later* Wife: My water broke! Me: Let the James begin!
19. Me, on the phone: Ok thank you. Bye. Wife: What did the fertility doctor say?
Ans: Me: Oh, nothing impotent.
20. Today at the pharmacy I noticed a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
Ans: She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.
21. What do you call a pregnancy that starts while using birth control?
Ans: A misconception.
22. People are now giving birth underwater. They say it’s not very traumatic for the baby because it’s in water.
Ans: But it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
23. How is being pregnant is like being a child again?
Ans: There’s always someone telling you what to do!
24. What is the most reliable way to determine the baby’s sex?
25. Gen-Z on having kids:
Ans: “I’m never having kids, they take 9 months to download!”
26. How do you know if kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?
Ans: After a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”.
27. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
Ans: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
28. What does it mean when the baby is born with teeth?
Ans: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
29. How long does the average woman be in labor?
Ans: Whatever she says, divided by two.
30. My wife is a “bodybuilder”.
Ans: She is pregnant.
31. If April showers bring in May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
32. On being a scatterbrain:
Ans: “Take the toothpaste and go brush in the room, I have to pee!” *1 minute later* “WHERE’s THE TOOTHPASTE?!”
33. Pregnant women afraid of What part of biology class?
Ans: The sea section!
34. What is it called if two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
Ans: An oopsie-daisy!
35. How will I know if my puking is morning sickness or the flu?
Ans: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
36. What is the first word of a baby going to be?
Ans: If the baby can hear everything then its first words are definitely going to be an expletive.
37. Will I love my dog lesser when the baby is born?
Ans: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
38. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, buttocks, and even my feet have grown. Does anything get smaller during pregnancy?
Ans: Yes, your bladder.
39. What’s the weirdest stage of pregnancy?
Ans: When people aren’t sure whether to congratulate you or hand you some Gas-X.
40. What size pants do you wear?
41. Never talk to a girl about periods, pregnancy or ‘women problems’.
Ans: She’ll ovary-act!
42. Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory?
Ans: Most women I asked can’t remember.
43. To pee or not to pee is never the question.
44. What do you give a new mommy so that she’s ready for anything?
Ans: A diaper bag of tricks.
45. How does one sanitize nipples?
Ans: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
46. Are you having a natural childbirth?
Ans: Why, yes—in that it’s completely natural to take drugs to alleviate excruciating pain!
47. What’s ET short for?
Ans: His mother smoked and drank heavily during pregnancy.
48. What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
Ans: Brute force.
49. What’s better than eating for two people while pregnant?
Ans: Shopping for two.
50. Is there anything I should refrain from while recovering from childbirth?
51. Yes, please whine to me about how tired you are today.
Ans: Are you growing a human? I didn’t think so. Now shut the hell up.
52. Why is it so great to be a test tube baby?
Ans: You get a womb with a view.
53. How do you say unintended pregnancy in German?
Ans: Kinder surprise!
54. Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Ans: Depends on what you’re doing with them.
55. I am pregnant which means I am swollen, sober, and hungry.
Ans: Approach with caution!
56. On diet during pregnancy
Ans: Exercising while pregnant is like eating kale. On your cheat day!
57. What are the terrible twos?
Ans: Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.
58. There’s the one per cent that’s super-rich…
Ans: And the one per cent that manages to get pregnant while taking birth control.
59. What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy?
Ans: A good delivery.
60. What is a chastity belt?
Ans: A labor-saving device.
61. What does a pregnant woman say when you tell her leggings are not pants?
Ans: Don’t tell me leggings aren’t pants. I’m nine months pregnant and pants are whatever I decide they are.
62. Honey, I’m pregnant!
Ans: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad!
63. What happens when you eat a pregnant girl’s food?
Ans: If you eat a pregnant girl’s food, you’re required to have the baby for her.
64. What’s the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?
Ans: A period.
65. The first sonogram pic is just like a tourist pic of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Ans: Everybody has one and it just looks the same.
66. Is she ready to have the baby?
Ans: “Yes doctor, I think she’s ready to have the baby, her contradictions are only 30 seconds apart.
67. Want to go shopping?
Ans: *Looks at swollen feet* “No! I don’t want to go shopping!”.
68. How to win an argument:
Ans: a) Be pregnant. b) That’s it!
69. 5 stages of pregnancy are:
Ans: Crying, peeing, crying because you peed, peeing because you cried. The toilet is your home now.
70. What do you call it when two flowers have a surprise pregnancy?
Ans: An oopsie-daisy!
71. On morning sickness in pregnancy:
Ans: “Can’t eat because of nausea. Nausea because I can’t eat.
72. Pregnant woman on periods:
Ans: “When I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic! No periods for 9 months!
73. On a pregnant woman’s T-shirt:
Ans: “Hormones and no alcohol. Interact at your own risk.”
74. About announcing you’re pregnant:
Ans: “Telling the world you’re pregnant is like telling the world you had unprotected sex.”
75. What’s a pregnant lady’s excuse for refusing to do something?
Ans: “Pregnancy brain” is her excuse for everything she doesn’t want to do.
The journey of childbirth is filled with a range of emotions and physical exertion. Don’t let the process get to you, instead, try and enjoy it for what it is. When things get too hard or you seem like you are feeling down, be sure to go through our list. We hope you enjoyed our list of pregnant women jokes as much as we did putting it together. All the best on this journey!