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Does falling in love feel heavy? I wondered! Does it sound perplexing? But the truth is, that’s how my present…my ‘right now’ looks like.
There’s happy chaos, there’s lots of love and idle chatter, and there’s time for some deep thoughts. One of my dearest friends gave me a note during my baby shower. It said, Niki, don’t be shell-shocked if the baby’s cries aren’t any perfect. I knew why she wrote this, she was aware of my OCD.
There I was pregnant and worried about my baby. Yes, I had the iPhone app, the ‘Welcome Baby’ books on my Pinterest board, and the over-packed hospital bag with a birthing ball. I had taken a month-long Lamaze class (where I learned about phases of labour, pain coping techniques, breathing exercises, lactation-related information) with my man. I had a print of birth plan preference, doula’s number fed on my favourites and last but not the least had a sneak preview of the delivery room. With this, I had already mastered reproductive biology. The only thing left was the labour glam after preparing for everything.
Yes, I knew everything and then in a blink of an eye, he was there. He was tiny and marvelling. He was perfect, but I was not ready for him!
I felt I was not ready, I knew nothing. My life had taken a shift and worked hard to fit more love inside me. And then began my ‘Recovering Perfectionist’ saga. I did myself a favour and cut me some slack!
I decided to listen to my inner call. The very call to get on with my career with the same passion which would let me reconnect to my own self. I also decided to walk beyond and face the inevitable, which was ‘The Change’. I soon hopped on from an ever-comforting work environment where I had almost spent 9 years to a company with a new eco-system all together just when my little boy turned 8 months. Putting it lightly, this was my way to put my equilibrium at place and identity at pace.
If you ask me if I am doing enough for my little baby, I will say, “I am moving Heaven and Earth.”
Yes, there were days when I fumbled upon his food schedule and did not clean his messy-mouth right away due to a conference call. There were days when I didn’t think twice while using the word which a newborn shouldn’t hear!
But amidst all this drama, you must have still seen me getting all creative, gather stuff from nook and corner of the house and have fun with fabric. I turned my petite boy to every interesting character took him to socializing events be it a CSR or a family day at work and spent time with him. I truly believe in teaching him the rhythm of life!
I have realised that we must stop chasing that pot of gold, and we must be ourselves! BE YOU! I bet if you were to do the math, you would do things better when it comes to mothering than you would do otherwise.
Being a mother isn’t the end of anything and everything. It’s the start of everything! I am trying to give my son, the mother he really needs, and that’s ME (with all my imperfections)!
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